10 Things I Hate About Clint Barton
by LittleDragon94
Summary: Tony wants to date Steve. Loki also wants to date Steve. Steve can't date either unless his sister, Natasha, dates someone. Anyone. With the help of his friends Bruce and Thor, Tony sets up a master plan to get local tough guy, Clint Barton, to date Natasha while Tony dates Steve. But as with all of Tony's plans, things don't quite run as a smoothly as he had hoped.
1. New Kid in School

_**As usual, I do not own Marvel/DC (to my eternal sadness), nor do I own 10 Things I Hate About You.**_

**_Shout out to Scarlett for being the first to read this all the way back in February (or sometime around then) and nagging me to finish it. Hope you enjoy :)_**

* * *

Tony Stark absentmindedly drummed his fingers against his leg as he waited, lounging in his seat, for the guidance counsellor to finish tapping away at her laptop. He had been sat there for about five minutes already and was starting to get a bit impatient. He wasn't used to being kept waiting, especially as it was his first day at Charles Xavier High, the school for so-called "talented" children.

Ms. Maria Hill glanced at Tony over the rims of her bifocals. 'I'll be right with you,' she assured him. He nodded out of reflex; she had told him that twice already.

Tony was, of course, the protégée son of Howard Stark; the rich and influential founder of Stark Industries. But no amount of bribes or donations could get Tony into another boarding school, military school, or any other school but Xavier's, whose school motto proudly proclaimed "We welcome everyone!"

Ms. Hill finished typing and closed the lid of her laptop to get a better look at Tony. She brushed a strand of her brunette fringe from her face and smiled at him. He tried to return the weirdly wide grimace.

'So Tony, here you go,' she said, picking up a sheaf of papers from her desk and handing him his timetable. She walked over to the window, adjusting her navy cardigan and reading through his notes. 'Nine schools in ten years. My, my – business brat?'

Tony sighed, 'Yeah, my Dad–'

'That's enough,' she interrupted. 'I'm sure you won't find Xavier's any different than your old schools.' A paintball splattered against the window. 'Same little ass-wipe shit-for-brains as everywhere else,' she chuckled, giving the finger to the window.

Tony gaped, unsure whether he had heard her correctly; this woman and this school were so different to the regimented and politically correct schools he had spent his previous years in.

'Did you just say- am I in the right office?' Surely this woman couldn't be a guidance counsellor with a mouth and attitude like that.

'Not any more you're not. I've got deviants to see and a novel to finish. Now scoot.' Tony didn't move. 'Scoot!'

'Oh, okay,' Tony seized his bag. 'Thanks.' He backed towards the door, hitting the coat-stand instead and narrowly missing another student. The other guy was tall with well-muscled arms visible in the fitting black vest he wore. His hair was light brown, almost blond, and his blue eyes glared intimidatingly at Tony.

Tony mumbled an apology and quickly walked away, slipping around the door and stopping to eavesdrop - he couldn't help being nosy wherever he was.

'Clint Barton,' he heard Ms. Hill say, 'I see we're making our visits a weekly ritual.'

'Only so we can have these moments together,' the guy replied smoothly, 'shall I, uh, hit the lights?'

'Oh very clever bow-and-arrow-boy,' Tony wondered at the nickname. 'It says here you exposed yourself in the cafeteria?'

Barton sighed audibly, 'I was joking with the lunch lady: it was a bratwurst.' Tony suppressed a giggle.

'A bratwurst?' Ms. Hill repeated after a pause. 'Aren't we the optimist? Next time keep it in your quiver, okay? Scoot!'

Tony quickly turned away from the office as Barton exited, shooting Tony a suspicious look. He pretended to have finished fumbling with his bag before scuttling off to find his locker.

* * *

'Hello! I'm Bruce Banner.' A boy about Tony's height with curly brown hair, dressed in a royal purple shirt, grey suit trousers and thick-framed glasses, shook Tony's hand. 'I'm supposed to show you around.'

'Thank God,' Tony breathed a sigh of relief, 'You know, normally they send one of those nerdy chemistry geeks to show me around.'

Bruce nodded, 'yeah, I know what you mean.'

A stocky kid in a white lab-coat, with greasy long hair and a toothpick in his mouth, pushed a lab-prep trolley to a halt beside them. 'Bruce, vhere shall I put ze kit?' he asked in a thick Russian accent.

'Sorry Ivan, you must have me confused with someone else.' Bruce walked away from the kid (whose mouth dropped open in confusion, almost letting the toothpick fall to the floor), dragging Tony with him. 'Don't mind him; he's a foreign exchange student, his English isn't so great but he's good with his hands. So Tony – here's the breakdown: over there we've got your basic beautiful people. Now listen, unless they talk to you first, don't bother.'

Tony raised an eyebrow. He wasn't used to such social rules; he was used to being one of those popular kids because of his father's reputation. 'Is that your rule or theirs?'

Bruce held up a finger to stop Tony as they approached the crowd of "beautiful people".

'Hey there!'

'Eat me,' one sunglasses-wearing jock retorted.

'You see that? That was the charming Scott Summers. Oh, by the way – if you ever see Summers start to take his glasses off - run away.' The jocks stared at them as the pair walked out into the compound. 'To the left we have the Martial Arts kids.'

A crowd of half a dozen guys in cotton kimonos and black belts stood around talking. One guy stepped a bit too close to another and before Tony could blink he was on his back.

'Dammit Wade!' the kid on the floor (who Bruce introduced as Emil Blonsky) moaned, picking himself up.

'They're very touchy, don't make any sudden movements around them,' Bruce continued, walking to avoid Emil. 'They're all black belt standard in just about every martial arts discipline.' Bruce walked on to a large group of well-built guys drinking from horns. 'These metal-heads are your standard Vikings. Big Amon Amarth fans, they think they're in the middle-ages and talk like Shakespeare, but mostly just–'

'Drink a lot of mead?' Tony finished, spying one large blond Viking draining a horn of mead in one gulp with a book of Shakespeare's comedies in his other hand. Bruce nodded.

'These guys–'

Tony interrupted, 'wait, let me guess: lion-tamers.'

They walked past a group of guys who were jabbing at a stuffed lion with a chair in one hand and a whip in the other. One guy was viciously ripping a stuffed penguin to pieces with long metal claws protruding from his knuckles.

'Well, general animal fighters, but the closest they've ever got to a lion is watching the Lion King on Blu-Ray!' Bruce laughed at his own joke; Tony cracked a smile, more at his new friend than the joke. Bruce seemed like a really decent guy and Tony hadn't met many of them before.

Bruce sobered up as they approached the next table. 'These are your future Nobel Prize winners – we're all Ivy League accepted.'

A group of serious faced scientists crammed around a single laptop while one guy explained something. Tony noticed Bruce's use of 'we' when introducing the group. Bruce touched a blonde girl on the shoulder.

'Nice to see you Gwen, how's it going?' he smiled.

The girl shot him a glare and hissed at the guy next to her. 'Close it Hank!'

A large blue-skinned bespectacled boy hastily clicked the laptop shut as Bruce and Tony walked past. They all frowned at Bruce as he moved away.

'Yesterday I was their god,' Bruce muttered, shaking with rage.

'What happened?'

'Reed Richards started a rumour that I got cheap positronium for my gamma ray laser.' Bruce started breathing heavily. Tony wondered whether he was going to have a seizure.

'So they kicked you out?' Tony didn't think there was anything wrong with that providing the laser still worked, sure it wasn't ideal but it wasn't harmful.

'A hostile takeover,' Bruce corrected. 'But don't worry, he'll pay. Just give me a few seconds to calm down.'

'What's wrong?'

'Oh, just a little anger management issues – I get a stressed and turn into a big green rage monster.'

'Cool.' Bruce really didn't look like the angry type. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. A few seconds later he was back to normal.

'Now over here–'

'Oh my God,' Tony was no longer paying attention to Bruce; the most beautiful boy he had ever seen had just emerged from the gym locker-room, and he was walking right past Tony, glowing from recent exertion. The boy was taller than Tony with sandy blond hair brushed over into a little quiff. Well-defined muscles showed through an impossibly tight white t-shirt and he was somehow pulling off cream coloured slacks.

The boy walked on, smiling when he saw his friend, each perfectly white tooth sparkling like in a cartoon. Tony gazed in awe as the boy headed away with his friend. He was fairly sure his jaw was somewhere close to the floor.

'What group is he in?' he asked Bruce, slurring slightly.

'The don't-even-think-about-it group,' Bruce told him sternly. 'Steve Rogers, he's a sophomore…'

Tony didn't care. Steve made him think thoughts that he'd long since suppressed at the numerous all-boys boarding schools he'd been to.

One of the Viking blokes behind them proclaimed loudly: 'I burn, I pine, I perish!'

'Me too,' Tony agreed.

'Of course you do,' Bruce looked uncertainly at Tony. 'You know he's handsome and deep, sure…'

Steve walked past again. 'See, there's a difference between like and love,' he told Bucky Barnes, his brown-haired friend, 'because I like my model soldiers, but I love my leather jacket.'

'But I love my model soldiers,' Bucky replied.

'That's because you don't have a leather jacket,' Steve explained. The friend nodded in earnest. Tony continued to stare.

'He has model soldiers! That's adorable!' Tony sighed.

'Listen, forget him,' Bruce persisted. 'He's got an incredibly uptight father and it's a widely known fact that Steve and his sister Natasha aren't allowed to date.'

Tony was only half listening. 'Yeah… whatever…'

In the depths of the school the bell rang for the start of lessons.

* * *

_**And there we go, first chapter done. I know most of you guys following me are waiting for Book II of The Doctor's Son, but I'm taking a break from that to get other stuff done, so in the meantime this is what you get :)**_

_**As always, reviews are much appreciated - even just to let me know that I haven't wasted several weeks over the past six months working on this.**_


	2. Natasha's Point of View

Natasha Romanoff took her seat in Mr. Fury's English class. Thor Odinson sat on her right and Logan (aka "the Wolverine") sat on her left. Unfortunately, Loki Laufeyson was also sat close by. There wasn't anyone in the school that Natasha disliked more than that slick-haired, pale, grinning douche-bag. It had been a couple of years since the incident between the two of them, but Tasha doubted she'd ever forget it, no matter how hard she tried.

'Sit down!' Mr. Fury roared. Bobby Drake threw himself into the seat in front of Natasha, causing icicles to break out around the desk.

The beefy, black, bearded English teacher peered at his class with his one good eye; the other eye was covered with an eye-patch. There were numerous rumours as to how he had lost his eye but no one actually knew the truth, and so it remained an object of fascination in class. 'What did y'all think of The Sun Also Rises?'

'He's so romantic,' Jean Grey sighed wistfully. Tasha wondered if she had been reading the same novel.

'Romantic? Hemingway?' Tasha shook her head. 'He was an abusive alcoholic misogynist who squandered half his life hanging around Picasso trying to nail his leftovers.' She ignored Mr. Fury's eye roll.

'As opposed to a bitter self-righteous hag who has no friends?' Loki chuckled, his equally douche-baggy friends joining in.

'Mind your tongue, brother,' Thor scolded his adoptive sibling. Loki ignored him and fist bumped Justin Hammer.

'Pipe down Loki!' Fury ordered. The grin on Loki's face faded slightly.

Tasha turned to face Loki. 'I guess in this society being male and an asshole makes you worthy of our time.' Half the class whooped while the other half groaned - Tasha wasn't exactly one to sit quietly in any class. Tasha faced Fury again. 'What about Sylvia Plath, or Charlotte Bronte, or Simone De Beauvoir?'

Tasha was interrupted from her list of suggestions by Clint Barton arriving late to the class. As per usual he was dressed in some scrappy old Army issue boots, a vest top and some worn jeans. He was just about the only guy in school that seemed to strive to look as though he lived in a hole.

'What did I miss?'

'The oppressive patriarchal values that dictate our education.' Tasha filled her voice with as much scorn as she could manage.

'Good,' Clint nodded, though Tasha would have been surprised if he'd understood what she'd said, and walked straight back out of the class.

'Hey hey!' Fury yelled after him. 'Get back here Legolas!'

'Mr. Fury,' Loki said, always eager for attention to be on him, 'is there any chance we could get Natasha to take her Midol before she comes to class?' Behind him, Raven smirked.

Tasha shot him a look that could stop a stampede.

'Some day you're gonna get bitch-slapped,' Mr. Fury informed Loki, 'and I ain't gonna do a thing to stop it. Hell, I'll even watch it.' Loki clenched his jaw. 'And Romanoff, I wanna thank you for your point of view.'

'Here it comes.' Tasha muttered under her breath.

'I know how difficult it must be to overcome all those years of upper-middle-class suburban oppression. It must be tough. But the next time you storm the PTA crusading for better lunch meat or whatever it is you white girls complain about, ask them why they can't buy a book written by a black man.'

'I agree!' Thor proclaimed. Fury glared at him with his one good eye.

Natasha assumed that the lecture was over. 'Anything else?'

'Yeah, go to the office you're pissing me off.'

'What? Mr. Fury–'

'Later!' Fury dismissed Natasha with a flick of his wrist. She brushed her short red hair over her shoulder, picked up her bags and books, and headed out of the class, smacking Loki with her copy of Hemingway as she went.

* * *

'_Undulating with desire, Lois removed Clark's crimson cape. The sight of Clark's stiff and…'_ As Natasha approached the guidance counsellor's office, the sound of Ms. Hill tapping at her keyboard stopped. 'Jonah!'

J. Jonah Jameson, the school secretary, appeared in the doorway beside where Natasha was adjusting her bag on her shoulder. 'What's another word for engorged?' Ms. Hill asked.

'I'll look it up,' the man replied, cigar in hand (despite numerous complaints that the whole school was a non-smoking area). Natasha poked her head around the doorway.

Ms. Hill was murmuring at the computer screen. It was well known to Ms. Hill's regular student visitors, of which Natasha was one, that the counsellor was a fervid reader and amateur writer of smut novella. 'Swollen? Turgid?'

'Tumescent?' Natasha suggested.

'Perfect.' Ms. Hill perkily typed in the word before turning to Natasha, who had taken a seat opposite the desk, dropping her bag beside the chair. 'So, I hear you were terrorising Mr. Fury's class – again.'

'Expressing my opinion is not a terrorist action.'

Ms. Hill looked sternly at Natasha. 'The way you expressed your opinion to Remy LeBeau? By the way, his testical retrieval operation went quite well, in case you were interested.'

Tasha wasn't interested. 'I still maintain that he kicked himself in the balls.' His attempt at groping her in the lunch line had been one seriously unsuccessful gambit.

Ms. Hill sighed. 'The point is Nat, people perceive you as somewhat…'

'Tempestuous?'

'"Heinous bitch" is the term most often used.' Tasha suppressed a proud smirk. 'You might want to work on that.'

Tasha didn't think she would, but she gathered her bag and stood up all the same, pausing in the doorway. 'As always, thank you for your excellent guidance. I'll let you get back to Clark's quivering member.'

'Quivering member – I like that.' Ms. Hill muttered to herself. Natasha allowed herself a small smile as she headed off to her next class.

* * *

It was the end of the school day and Natasha and her two best friends, Betty and Jane, were walking to her beaten-up green Range Rover when Loki pulled up beside them in his sleek silver Porsche.

'Your little Rambo look is out Natasha,' he said, looking Tasha's dark tank-top and olive trousers up and down with a smirk on his face, completely ignoring Betty and Jane, as usual. 'Didn't you read last month's Cosmo?'

'Why, were you in it?' Tasha retorted. 'Run along.'

Loki pulled a sour face and drove off.

'What an asshole,' Betty sighed, pulling herself into Nat's car.

'I know, I can't believe his brother is so nice.' Jane squeezed into the back.

'Adoptive brother,' Tasha reminded her, twisting her keys in the ignition. Thor and Loki were just as good an example as her and Steve when it came to the differences between adopted siblings.

Tasha watched uneasily as Loki slowed his car beside Steve and Bucky a few cars ahead of them. The next thing she knew her brother and his friend were getting in the backseat of her worst enemy's car.

'That's a charming new development,' Betty exclaimed.

'It's disgusting.' Tasha grimaced, wishing she could just tell Steve about what Loki was really like. But she didn't want to put that weight on Steve; he still believed that the world was a great place and that bad things didn't happen there, even after their mom had died. She couldn't do that to him, even now.

She pulled out of the parking space just as Bruce Banner on his stupid little moped stalled in front of them.

'Remove head from sphincter, then drive!' Tasha yelled out the window. Banner quickly apologised and walked his moped out of the way, stopping to talk to some new kid in an Iron Maiden shirt. Natasha drove on, joining the line of students trying to leave the parking lot, only half-listening as Jane told her and Betty all about how her drama rehearsals were going.


	3. A Minor Encounter

_**My sincerest apologies for the delay in updating - I've just moved to university and my laptop wasn't connecting to the WiFi here, but now it is and you have another update!**_

* * *

'Are you okay?' Tony asked as the Range Rover drove towards the exit of the school parking lot. Bruce looked pale beneath his helmet and goggles.

'Yeah, yeah, just a minor encounter with the shrew,' Bruce explained, wiping his forehead. 'That's Steve's sister - Natasha Romanoff.'

'That is Steve's sister?' Tony repeated, wondering how something so pure could be near something so bitter and not be affected by it.

'Adopted sister, actually. Their father is quite a high up doctor, head of gynaecology or something. But all the same, she's a nightmare.'

'Who was that smarmy guy that picked up Steve?' Tony asked, pointing to the far side of the car park where Tony could just about make out Steve and Bucky perched on the back seats of the shiny Porsche.

'Oh, him.' Bruce's face darkened. 'That's Loki Laufeyson, he's a jerk-off and a model.'

Tony scoffed, 'A model? Really?'

'Yeah, mostly regional stuff but he's rumoured to have a big ad for Asgard Magazine coming up.'

'Hah!' Bruce chuckled at Tony's laughter. Tony's amusement trailed off when he was struck by the thought of Steve and Loki together. 'What could he possibly see in that guy? Steve's so...' He couldn't find the right word to describe how unmistakably pure Steve was.

'Vapid? Conceited?' Bruce suggested. Tony gaped at him, visibly aghast.

'What are you talking about? How can you say that about Steve? There's more to him than you think - look at the way he smiles, look at his eyes – he's totally pure. You're missing what's there, Bruce.' Tony couldn't understand how Bruce couldn't see what he saw, even if Bruce didn't swing the way that Tony did. The innocence in Steve's eyes was plain to see. The carefree way that he smiled spoke of complete purity.

'No, no. Tony, what's there is an arrogant narcissistic little prince wearing an indecently tight t-shirt to make guys like you realise that you can never touch him.' Bruce shook his head, 'and makes guys like Loki realise that they want to. He, my friend, is what you will spend the rest of your life not having. Just put him in your spank bank and move on.'

'No. I'm Tony Stark for heaven's sake, I can get whatever I want, but you're wrong about him anyway. I mean, not about the spanking part, but the rest – you're wrong.'

'I'm wrong? Okay, be my guest; he's actually looking for a German tutor.' Bruce shrugged, adjusting the straps of his helmet under his chin.

'Are you kidding? That's perfect!' Tony couldn't believe that he actually had a shot at talking to Steve.

'Do you speak German?' Bruce asked in surprise.

'No, but I will. Kid genius, remember?' Tony winked, shifting his rucksack on his shoulder.

'Good luck with that.' Bruce rolled his eyes. 'Stay cool bro.'

He bid Tony farewell, starting up his little moped and pulling out right into the path of a large, red, oncoming truck.

'Look out!' Tony yelled.

Bruce swerved to avoid the truck, driven by Thor the Viking. Tony watched in horror as Bruce and his bike took a dive off the road and down the hill to the sports pitches, his bag and books flying everywhere as he sped out of control. Thankfully the bushes and other plants on the slope slowed Bruce down enough that when he eventually came off his bike he was virtually at a standstill.

'I'm okay!' Bruce called up, lamely giving the crowd of spectators that had gathered a thumbs up. Leaves and twigs protruded from his helmet. Tony blew out his cheeks in relief.

Thor easily parted the crowd and trekked down the hill towards Bruce, apologising loudly. 'I am so sorry, my purple-shirted friend; I almost hit you with my vehicle. Let me help you back up the hill.'

Bruce looked just as astonished as everyone else when Thor picked up the moped and started carrying it up the hill. Bruce scrabbled after his flyaway books.

'Are you still okay now?' Tony checked once Bruce made it up the hill. Thor had just set his moped down in the middle of the parking lot and was heading back.

'Just a little sore,' Bruce winced, walking bow-legged. 'There's not much suspension on the bike.'

'Ouch.'

'Banner!' Thor boomed. 'I must apologise once more for my actions. It shall not happen again, I swear it. Is there anything I can do to apologise for my behaviour that so nearly cost you your life and your two-wheeled vehicle?'

'No, no, nothing, I'm fine,' Bruce assured the big blond guy.

'What about your friend? May I assist him as a favour to you?'

'Um, yeah, sure. Tony, didn't you say you were going to walk home?'

'Yeah but–' Tony protested, not wanting to make a fuss. He was perfectly fine walking home.

'Fear not! I shall transport the new student to his residence!'

'I wasn't fearing,' Tony insisted. 'And it's really okay I don't need you to–'

'It is no problem. Please, take a seat in my vehicle.'

Bruce gave Tony a pat on the back and got back on his moped with a little struggle and a lot of whimpering. Tony hopped into the passenger seat of Thor's truck. Once Thor had squeezed back into the driver's seat they set off behind Bruce, heading in the opposite direction out of the school parking lot.

'You dwell on Stan Lee Parkway?' Thor asked as Tony gave directions to his house, or "place of residence" as Thor kept calling it.

'Yeah, we just moved in last week. Do you know it?'

'I know it well. I reside two blocks from there on Midgard Way.'

'Right...' Tony wasn't quite sure how to carry on that conversation. 'So, uh, Loki. He's your brother right?'

'He is. Did you meet him today?'

'No, I just saw him around, you know, in the parking lot and stuff.'

Thor glanced at Tony. 'Do not judge him harshly; he has had a troublesome few years recently. He did not take the news of his adoption well.' Tony wasn't sure what to make of Thor's uncanny perception.

'You're not telepathic are you?' It wouldn't have surprised Tony, not with all the crazy other superpowers and mutations that Xavier students had. By comparison, Tony's way-above-average intelligence was a rather lame trait.

Thor laughed a booming laugh. 'No, maiden of iron, I am not.'

'Um, maiden of iron?'

'The clothing you sport – is that not a name of yours?'

'Oh, no, it's just a band I like.' Tony mimed playing a guitar.

'I was not sure, the text proclaims a maiden yet you are a man. I shall call you man of iron instead. I have not heard them, but I am sure they are talented.'

Tony really wasn't going to get used to Thor's way of speaking anytime soon. 'Right.'

'Are you a fan of the theatre Tony?' Thor asked after a few moments.

'Not really, are you?'

'Oh yes! I regularly participate in the dramatics at Xavier's. This year I am to play Petruchio in William Shakespeare's The Taming of the Shrew.'

'Oh, that's great.' Tony had never seen or read a Shakespeare play in his life.

'I rehearse day and night. Jane, my Katarina, is very gifted.'

'I'm sure she is.'

'There is a theatrical performance next week of a German interpretation of The Taming of the Shrew at the Serebro Theatre. Did you know?'

'No, but I'll make sure I check it out. There's my house, thanks.'

Thor pulled up alongside the large white house.

'It was my pleasure man of iron!' Thor called out of the window, waving to Tony with a beaming smile on his face.

The electrical sensor that Tony's father had built into the front porch scanned Tony for a few seconds before the door unlocked and let him in.

'Dad! I'm home!'

* * *

_**As always, reviews are helpful and most certainly welcome :) **_

_**I'll try and update again each Friday, providing there's no unexpected internet issues, of course.**_


	4. Old Problem, New Rule

_**Apologies for the delay, I don't really have an excuse other than uni work, which is stupid considering I'm just updating as all bar the end of this fic is already written. Anyway, please keep reading, and I can only apologise for taking so long.**_

* * *

Natasha was curled up beside the window of the living room reading The Bell Jar, one of her favourite books. Steve still hadn't arrived home. Tasha tried not to let that bother her; he could take care of himself after all, but it kept jumping to the forefront of her mind as she read. And it was very irritating. The door opened, but Natasha could tell from the sound of the footsteps that it was her father, not her brother.

Phil and Marie Coulson had adopted Natasha and Steve when they were five and three years old; they had found Natasha in a Russian children's home whilst on a works trip, and Steve two years later in a Brooklyn orphanage.

They had been a close family but had drifted apart since Marie had died of lung cancer four years ago. Ever since, Phil had become ridiculously over protective. His excuse for it was "I see enough underage kids with STIs at work; I am not going to let my kids risk contracting chlamydia, gonorrhoea or genital herpes until they graduate".

Tasha thought he was just covering up his feelings about her and Steve growing up and having lives of their own. To be fair, he hadn't been as bad when Steve was a scrawny kid with a comic book collection, but then Steve had hit puberty and he'd suddenly become this hunky muscle-bound guy who attracted stares from guys as well as girls. Shit really hit the fan when Steve came out publicly. After that, if Steve even thought of dating someone, their father would know about it.

Yet he'd been so preoccupied with Steve that he hadn't picked up on Tasha and Loki…

'Hello Natasha,' Phil began, looking through the mail. 'Make anyone cry today?'

Tasha smirked as she turned the page, 'sadly no, but it's only four-thirty.'

Footfalls from the kitchen told Tasha that Steve had snuck in through the back door.

'Hi Dad,' Steve's hair was windswept and he still had his school bag over his shoulder. He sat down on the armchair opposite Tasha.

'Hey champ,' Phil smiled at his son, slicing open a bill.

'And where have you been?' Tasha fixed Steve with a glare. She knew exactly where he had been.

'Nowhere.' Steve replied with a meaningful raise of his eyebrows.

'What's this? It says Selina Kyle.'

Natasha jumped up from her seat and snatched the letter from his hands, launching herself over to the sofa to read it. With trembling hands she unfolded the headed letter.

**_"Dear Miss Romanoff,_**

**_We are delighted to inform you that you have been accepted by Selina Kyle University…"_**

'I got in.' She stared blankly at the page, letting the words sink in. 'I got in!'

Phil and Steve followed her over to the sofa. 'That's great honey, but isn't Selina Kyle on the other side of the country?'

'Thus the basis of its appeal,' Tasha didn't expect her father to understand that she just wanted some space to be herself, well away from the assholes of her school.

'I thought you were going to stay here and go to school? Gotham, like me, be a batman.' Phil proceeded to make high pitched squeaky sounds as he flapped his arms like wings. Presumably he was attempting to imitate a bat.

Tasha pushed herself into a seated position on the sofa. 'No, you decided.'

'So you're just going to pick up and leave, is that it?'

'Let's hope so,' Steve said with a shrug that hurt Tasha more than she would like to admit. After all she'd done for that kid: kept bullies off his back for years, supported him when he needed it. Hell, she'd even kicked Remy LeBeau so hard in the balls that he'd needed surgery, just because Remy had threatened Steve a week before trying to chat Tasha up.

'Ask Steve who drove him home.' Tasha glared, setting her jaw firmly and keeping her eyes on her little brother.

'Nat, don't change the- drove? Who drove you home?'

Steve cast one frustrated look at his sister before turning all his charm on their father. 'Now don't get upset Dad. There's this boy–'

'Who's a flaming imbecile.' Tasha added helpfully.

'And I think he might ask me–'

'I think I know what he's going to ask you.' Phil spoke over both of his children, laying a hand on his son's broad shoulder. Steve huffed angrily. 'And I think I know the answer: no. It's always no. What are the two house rules?'

Phil steered Steve over to the sofa and plonked him down beside Natasha. Neither Steve nor Tasha were going to answer their father's question – they both knew the answer well enough.

Phil took their silence for ignorance. 'One: no dating until you graduate. Two: no dating until you graduate. That's it.'

'Dad, that's so unfair!' Steve fumed.

'No, you want to know what's unfair? This is for you two – this morning I treated a fifteen year old girl for gonorrhoea. Do you know what she said to me?'

'I'm a crack-whore who should have made my sleazy boyfriend wear a condom?'

Tasha was impressed by Steve's assumption. So too was Phil, who shrugged.

'Close, but no. She said "I should have listened to my father".'

'She did not!'

'Well that's what she would have said if she hadn't been so doped up.'

Steve groaned. 'Can we focus on me for a second please? I'm the only person in school who's not dating.'

'No you're not,' Phil waved his concern aside; 'your sister's not dating.'

'And I don't intend to.' Tasha thought she'd point out.

'Why is that again Natasha?'

'Have you seen the unwashed miscreants that go to that school?'

'Where did you come from?' Steve asked, 'Planet Loser?'

'As opposed to planet "Look at me! Look at me!"' Tasha knew it was immature, but fuck that, Steve wasn't going near Loki if she had anything to do with it.

Phil clapped his hands for attention. 'Okay, I know how we can solve this one. Old rule out, new rule: Steve can date…'

Tasha's jaw dropped, had her father lost his mind? Steve looked up hopefully, hardly daring to believe it.

'…when she does.' He pointed at Natasha and walked away while they absorbed his words, clearly pleased with his handling of the situation.

'But she's a mutant!' Steve leapt from the sofa after his father.

'Don't let Xavier hear you.' Natasha smirked, referencing the headmaster and founder of their school – a leader of several Mutant Rights organisations.

Steve ignored her. 'What if she never dates?'

'Then you'll never date. Oh, I like the sound of that. And I'll get to sleep at night – the deep slumber of a father whose children aren't out being infected with hideous bacterial diseases.' Right on cue Phil's pager went off, announcing a new patient at work. 'We'll talk about Selina Kyle later,' he told Nat, grabbing his coat and heading out the door.

'Wait! Dad!' The door swung shut. Steve was left gobsmacked in the doorway. Tasha headed up to her room, reading over her Selina Kyle letter. 'Can't you find some blind, deaf retard to take you to the movies so I can have one date?' Steve yelled up the stairs after her.

'I'm sorry; it looks like you'll just have to miss out on the witty repartee of Loki "Kneel Before Me" Laufeyson,' Tasha retorted.

Steve growled. 'You suck!' and stormed back into the lounge, probably to Skype Bucky and tell him all about this latest outrage.

'You suck!' Tasha repeated in a mocking tone, continuing up the stairs to her room.


	5. Xaviers' Finest

A few days later, Tony was sat in the library, quickly skimming through a German textbook that he'd already memorised the night before. Tony was confident that he could tutor Steve better than the German teacher, Mr Schmidt.

Steve dumped his red, white and blue messenger bag on the table and slid onto the chair beside Tony. 'Can we make this quick? Jean Grey and Scott Summers are having an incredibly horrendous public break-up on the quad. Again.'

Tony gaped at Steve, too preoccupied with watching the way his mouth moved to form a reply.

'Hello?' Steve clicked his fingers in front of Tony's eyes, quite literally snapping him out of his Steve-inspired daze.

'Oh, uh, yeah, okay. I thought we should start with pronunciation. If that's alright with you.'

'Not the hacking and gagging furball part, please.' Steve looked so unenthused that Tony went right ahead with his plan for the third lesson.

'Well there is an alternative…' He paused to assess Steve's reaction.

'There is?' he leaned towards Tony, who observed how Steve's bicep flexed with even the slightest movement.

Tony swallowed hard, 'uh, German theatre? We could go see some together, Saturday night? There's a German company doing The Taming of the Shrew.'

A flicker of surprise lit Steve's eyes, shortly followed by a small smile on his lips. 'You're asking me out?' Tony's heart skipped a little, it looked as though Steve might accept, until– 'That's so cute! What's your name again?'

'Tony. Listen, I know your Dad doesn't let you date but I thought that if it was for German class then-'

Steve cut him off with a raise of his hand, 'Wait a minute. Timmy-'

'Tony.'

'My Dad just came up with a new rule: I can date when my sister does.'

There's hope! 'You're kidding? Let me ask you, do you like sailing? Because I read about this place that rents out boats and-'

'Kleines Problem, Tommy,' Tony didn't even bother to correct him, 'In case you haven't heard, but my sister's a particularly hideous breed of loser.'

Tony understood the issue. 'Yeah, yeah I heard she's a little, um, anti-social. Why is that?' Maybe if he knew what the problem was he could solve it. Tony was good at solving problems - sure his usual problems were mechanical, but how hard could it be to get a guy to date a girl?

Steve shrugged. 'Unsolved mystery. She used to be really popular but then it was like she got sick of it. There's probably a reason why but I'm pretty sure she's just incapable of human interaction. Plus, she's a bitch.'

Tony wasn't sure what was more shocking: that Steve was having a full on conversation with him or that Steve had swore. For some reason, hearing the word "bitch" come from Steve's pure mouth just didn't seem right to Tony.

'Yeah, but I'm sure there are loads of guys who wouldn't mind going out with a difficult woman,' Tony chose his wording carefully. He wasn't sure how close Steve and his sister actually were. 'I mean, people jump out of airplanes and ski off cliffs – it would be like extreme dating.'

'You think you could find someone that extreme?' Steve sounded doubtful.

'Sure, why not?' Tony said, feeling confident.

'And you'd do that? For me?' Tony tried not to blush as Steve put a broad hand on his arm.

'Hell yes! I mean, uh, I could look into it.'

Tony thought he'd just blown his shot, but Steve was more than happy for Tony to give his plan a shot.

First, Tony needed to talk to Bruce.

* * *

It was lunchtime and Bruce had been an excellent pal, quickly rounding up all those who he thought would be crazy enough to attempt to date Natasha Romanoff. He led Tony around the back of the gym locker room to a concrete area with some bins.

'I've gathered a group of guys who couldn't be more perfect – Xavier's finest.' They rounded the corner and Tony surveyed the gathered few.

'Hi, how're you doing?' Tony asked. They stared blankly back at him.

There were seven guys, some of whom Tony had seen around school in the few days he'd been there, and some who Tony didn't think he would ever have spoken to otherwise.

Thankfully, Bruce introduced them. There was Cain Marko, who everyone called "the Juggernaut". Built like a brick house, about seven foot tall and two average people wide, Tony had seen him on the Football team and, rather unsurprisingly, he was the best player as no one wanted to risk tackling him.

Slouched against the wall beside Juggernaut was a guy with a small brown beard, Volstagg, about as wide as Marko, but shorter. He looked distinctly like one of Thor's Viking friends.

Behind them, skulking at the back of the group, was Emil Blonsky, one of the martial arts kids, nicknamed "the Abomination". Tony did have to wonder at some of the names in this new school, but Tony had seen Blonsky in action and the strength in his relatively small body was incredible. He could see why some saw him as an abomination.

Then there was Timothy "Dum Dum" Dugan, a British student who wore a bowler hat. He had a little bit of ginger stubble going on above his top lip that Tony found rather distracting.

James "Rhodey" Rhodes, stood in the corner, arms folded across his chest, studying everyone. Tony hadn't seen him around but Bruce said that he was known as a tough but decent guy, who might just want to help them out.

The same probably couldn't be said for "Wolverine" or Ivan Vanko.

'Would any of you be interested in dating Natasha Romanoff?' Tony asked brightly, as though inquiring whether they wanted to go for a walk in the park.

Juggernaut stared, emotionless, flexing his gigantic arms.

Volstagg laughed, 'Never have I been so infused with mead my friend!' he announced chortling away into his little beard.

'No.' Blonksy stated.

'Her reputation precedes her,' Dum Dum told them, 'so no.'

Rhodey just laughed in their faces.

'I am Russian, not stupid.' Vanko shrugged, chewing on yet another toothpick.

Wolverine extended his claws and rubbed them against each other, sharpening them. Tony took that as a no, feeling his previous confidence slipping away.

* * *

In Biology, Tony and Bruce discussed their worsening dilemma.

'Did I or did I not tell you that it was pointless?' Bruce whispered. 'No one will go out with her.'

Tony looked glumly up from his frog. Across the room Clint Barton took a flick knife from his pocket and stabbed his amphibian in the heart. Tony remembered seeing Barton on his first day and thinking there was something a little rebellious about him.

'What about him?' Tony and Bruce looked around at the guy peering closely at his impaled frog to see the damage his knife had done.

'Him? No, no, don't look at him.' Bruce warned. 'He's a criminal. I heard he lit a state trooper on fire. He just did a year in Blackgate Penitentiary.'

'Yeah? Well at least he's horny,' Tony chuckled.

Bruce didn't find it amusing. 'I'm serious man, he's whacked. He sold his own liver on the black market for a new recurve bow.'

Tony checked Barton, he was lighting a cigarette from the gas taps. His friend, Johnny Storm, took the cigarette from Barton's mouth, clicked his fingers to create a flame, lit the cigarette and then stubbed it out in Barton's frog.

'He's our guy.' Tony confirmed. He and Bruce looked over at Clint Barton and found him staring back at them. Tony made himself look busy cutting into his frog.

* * *

Bruce's contacts in the school admin department allowed him and Tony to track Barton's next lesson to Design class. They found him pouring over designs for a compact bow and some trick arrows. Bruce clapped Tony on the back and stood by Pepper Potts who cast an odd glance in his direction. Tony however, advanced on Barton, German book in hand. He coughed from the smoke that Johnny was creating, using his own hand as a blow-torch. Tony wasn't going to get used to the weird powers in the school any time soon.

'Hi, how're you doing?' he began, making himself heard to Barton over the sound of drills. Speaking of drills, a bizarre vibrating feeling in Tony's hands told him that Barton was using a power drill to make a hole in his German book. Barton's face was totally straight as he did so.

'Okay, later then.' Still clutching the book, Tony skedaddled out of the class, dragging Bruce along with him.


	6. Thor's Plan

In the corner of the school cafeteria, Bruce eyed the hole in Tony's German textbook with a sigh.

'So how do we get Clint to date Nat?'

Tony shrugged. 'I don't know. I mean, we could pay him. I've got plenty of money.'

'But if Steve found out that you paid someone to date his sister, don't you think he would be angry?' Bruce reasoned. 'It would be better if someone else was backing this venture, someone who wants the same thing that you do, but is arrogant enough to not care about coughing up for it.'

They both looked over to the other side of the cafeteria to where Loki Laufeyson and his band of followers were sitting.

Tony steeled himself. 'Let's do this.'

Tony and Bruce had barely left their table before their path was blocked by Thor.

'Banner, Man of Iron, apologies for my rudeness, but I just overheard your conversation.'

Tony thought that the plan was over there and then, before it had even started. Thor would tell Loki their plan to use him, and then Steve would find out and never speak to Tony again. And to top it all off, Natasha would probably kill him too - slowly and painfully.

But to his surprise, that didn't happen.

'I would like to aid you in your quest.'

'We're not on a quest,' Tony denied.

Bruce shushed him. 'Why?'

'Please, sit. I will discuss my thoughts.' Thor indicated to his table and politely asked his friends to leave for a few minutes. They accepted with many loud 'of course!'s and 'my pleasure!'s. They were simultaneously the rowdiest and politest bunch of people Tony had ever met.

'Let me handle this.' Bruce whispered to Tony as they took their seats opposite the big blond Viking. 'Okay Thor, why would you want to help us?'

'Last night I heard my brother discussing a challenge that he faces – he wishes to court Steve Rogers.'

'We knew that.' Tony pressed his lips together unhappily.

'The things he said were not…' Thor searched for the right word. 'honourable.'

Tony and Bruce shared an uncertain glance. 'Okay...'

'I do not like to see my brother hurting people, and I know that his intentions would result in young Rogers getting hurt, so I have been trying to think of a way to thwart him. I had no ideas until a moment ago when I heard you speaking and I believe you truly care for Steven, so I propose a plan.'

Tony and Bruce leaned closer to Thor.

'Your plan to get Barton to court Natasha is a fine one, and I believe that if I mention the idea to Loki he will act upon it. Thus there will be no way of tracing the plan back to you.' Thor smiled, evidently pleased with himself.

Bruce's brow was furrowed. 'So you'll make Loki think that it's his idea to pay Barton to date Nat?'

'Indeed.'

'And if Barton accepts, we can reveal our true purpose to him so he doesn't screw things up when Tony and Steve date.' Bruce looked to Tony.

Tony nodded. 'I like this plan.'

'Very well.' Thor nodded. 'I shall speak to Loki tonight after dinner.'

* * *

The following afternoon, Tony and Bruce found Thor outside on the sports field doing weights. 'Hey Thor, how'd it go last night with Loki?'

Thor set his bar down and cast a glance around for his brother. 'It went well, Banner, Man of Iron. I believe that Loki has taken the bait. Look.'

Thor pointed to Loki and his friend, Victor Creed, who were jogging over to where Barton was practicing archery with Johnny Storm.

Clint ignored Loki while he shot another two arrows (one of which was aflame) at the dead centre of the target. When he finally spared Loki a glance, Loki pointed over to where Natasha was practicing with the girls' Martial Arts Club. Loki reached into his pocket and produced some money. Clint looked back at Natasha who, as if on cue, jumped up to trap her opponent between her legs and back flipped her over her head onto the floor. Loki pulled out more cash. Clint took it, and after a moment Loki and Victor walked away from Barton and Johnny, looking pleased with themselves.

Tony watched with baited breath as Clint sauntered over to where Natasha was getting her bag together now that the Martial Arts Club had ended. Clint leaned over where Nat was crouched. She stood up when she saw him. Tony wished he could hear what they were saying. There had to be a student in the school with superhuman hearing - maybe Tony could find them and get them to eavesdrop. Nat swung her gym bag over her shoulder and started to walk off, Clint trailing behind her. He had only made it about three strides before he stopped and stood still, staring after her like a lemon.

Tony, Bruce and Thor pretended to look busy as Natasha made her way past them, heading off the sports field.

'We are screwed.' Tony told Bruce and Thor as Clint walked back to the archery range.

'No, Man of Iron. Do not be so negative.' Thor scolded. 'This is just the beginning. You must be positive.'

'Yeah, be upbeat, Tony.' Bruce encouraged.

Tony put on a false smile and raised his voice an octave. 'We're screwed!' He said, positively.

'Maybe not.' Bruce grinned, an unusually crafty glint in his eye.

'What do you mean Banner?' Thor asked.

Bruce unfolded a yellow piece of paper from his pocket. 'I got this from Hank's bag earlier. It's an invitation for a cheese tasting evening at Reed Richards' on Saturday. I think with a little bit of editing here and there, we can make sure that Reed has the most memorable cheese tasting evening of his life.'

Tony nodded, understanding the plan perfectly.

Thor however did not. 'I enjoy cheese,' he nodded, contemplating various cheeses while he returned to lifting his weights. 'Perhaps I shall go along also. I could invite Jane. She would enjoy it too.'


End file.
